I'm always running to catch up. How about you? I mean really, do you know anyone who sits at their desk, or kitchen table and thinks....
"Let's see, I've done everything required of me. I'm completely caught up. Guess I have a free day to take what comes my way in stride. I think I'll spend this day working on my art because nothing else needs my time or attention. Okay now, where did I place those chalk pastels?"
Well, that is never going to happen, NEVER, not in my universe, and yet, that is exactly why I found myself slipping into insanity last March. I don't use the word insanity lightly. When you SLAM into an invisible wall of depression you only need black chalk to outline the scene and color in the faces ~ Extreme senselessness.
The practicie of homeopathic medicine works on the following theory: By giving the body very small doses of drugs, that in large doses would produce symptoms like those of the disease you are trying to fight off, you aid the body's own natural immune system to combat that disease. In much the same way, I happened upon the book "The Bell Jar" this summer in a second-hand store in Southern California. I was mesmerized by it instantly. The author, Sylvia Plath, vividly describes her slip from mental normalcy (via the main character, Ester) in an all too real narrative and, it seems to me now, just the right dosage of insanity to snap me back to my senses.
Extreme senselessness ~ This is the most accurate definition of insanity, though it is the last one listed in my dictionary. The next time you feel like dancing to a beautiful song, walking in a colorful forest, singing at the top of your lungs, Please, Please, Please act on it!!! Fill your senses up daily to ensure you never suffer from extreme senselessness.
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Extreme senselessness has knocked against my door in the past as well. But now I am able to recognize the sound of its footsteps and can deviate from its pathway, as fast and as clean as the roadrunner. But it takes skill and its takes compassion, both of which I needed to develop.
ReplyDeleteIf was after I adopted Reina and my in-laws became the biggest target of my rage. I could not control my reactions, I could not express my unhappiness or understand what was happening to my relationship with my husband and his lack of support.
Around this time I started to descend and go into a downward spiral. I lost interest in my husband and started fantasizing about other men, I wanted to have an affair and thought about it constantly. I was also thinking about leaving and moving back to the states. It was around this time when I also discovered the "Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath. I was putting together a project for my ESL reading class on the comparison of her and Virgina Woolf. I had always heard of the Bell Jar, but had never taken a serious look. It was an absolute thrill to read something that felt as intense and of the same emotional magnitude that I was feeling.
I was also horrified by her writing, but in such a tantalizing manner, I could not believe someone so young had experience such a decent.
I felt so drawn to her and realized that depression and its darkness affects us all, despite our age or background.
For some reason I was also (simultaneously) reading Stephen Hawkins personal story and discovery of black holes. (don't ask me why)
It is one of the most interesting books if you ever have the chance to read. As I was reading about his discovery of these black holes in the universe that one can "fall into" I kept thinking of Sylvia and her fall, it was exactly what had happened to her. She had been swallowed up by one.
As I was thinking of this I imagined myself on a very important talk show with Mr. Hawkins who was very very interested in my questions. I asked him if one could fall into a black hole why is it impossible to get out, as he had written about in his book. I questioned, that if there was an entrance into black holes we certainly would be able to go back out right?
His piercing blue eyes twinkled and sparked off a light illuminated by the TV camera and said That's right Mrs. Moriguchi, but you must find it. In my own fantasy I created the answer for myself. There is a way out of depression like black holes, but we have to find it.
Unfortunately for Sylvia and Virgina they could not and suffered deeply, as there was not enough help for them.
But as you have mentioned my dearest soul sister finding it is the biggest challenge and there are so many routes. Mine was to help myself first and find the compassion I so needed to get back to myself and my life. Once I had done that I also stayed close to my friends and shared laughter about dying in-laws and how they aren't getting any younger, anything to ease my pain.
I kept a diary and encourage myself along with the love of my growing daughter. Her tiny feet early in the morning racing to my bedside and whipering "Mama its time to get us" is about the sweetest way to begin any day.
As we all now and again stumble in the dark and bump into scary things, remembering that there is always a way out can be our greatest relief.